Homesick

The intervals between posting a blog and then returning to write another get longer and longer it seems. I just need to get used to writing daily. So much changed so quickly, so much vanished, and again the pendulum comes back with a vengeance. I noticed years ago that my life would ebb and flow with the changing seasons. Typically, after the winter solstice things begin to swing upward from the dark, cold, and barren winter days to the days of spring, warmth, and renewal. My life, emotions, and motivation to accomplish spiritual goals follow a different path. During the months between Imbolc and Litha, the pagan equivalents of Candlemas and the summer solstice respectively, my life seems to slow as if my energy has been drained. Just after the summer solstice I have always felt a renewed burst of creative thought, and the desire to once again dive into my rabbit hole of occult studies. I simply love it down there! Social media has been a world changing vehicle for news, advertising, meeting friends, and promoting rampant narcissism. I’m guilty of the last as are we all. I've had my Facebook now for almost a decade and I have friends from all over the world. Most of my friends that I interact with daily are those with whom I attended high school. I am closer people I never even hung out with in school, a testament to the power of social media. I graduated for a large high school in a rural part of central Florida, and most of my friends are Christian. I myself once waved the banner of the cross until I was forced to endure some life changing events which left me questioning everything I was ever taught about the universe. I harp on it too much sometimes and wear it like a badge of honor, but if you only knew how much I once feared God and an eternity in hell you’d understand. For me it was a great escape. And I don't mean that to insult others. I had a choice and I took it. Now, over twelve years since I took that fateful step to follow the Left-Hand Path I can honestly say I wouldn't change a thing. I'm not scared of the darkness, nor do I fear an eternity in hell. I have learned the cause and source of most people’s spiritual fears and I have moved past those things to view the universe in a very different way. Yet, like all humans I am not impervious to life’s trials and heartbreak. The biggest difference is that the trials seem to be a bit harder, and you must face them without the spiritual safety net of salvation. My occult spiritual path has been like an airplane that suddenly lost its crew and passengers and is headed straight to the ground. You can either jump, or learn to fly. It’s that simple. I chose the latter. I have so many stories I wish I could tell my friends but I try to keep a low profile on social media simply because I respect them and their faiths. Particularly Christians. If it is one thing Christianity did teach me it is to respect others. This characteristic and others carried over into my occult practices. I then learned most pagans and occultists have more respect and affection for other paths than you’d think. They're out there trust me. Back to the stories. Few know that for the last two and a half years I've suffered from severe depression. It was a combination of several things in my life, most notably opening a few occult doorways that overwhelmed me completely, drama and heartbreak with my children, stress, and a chemical imbalance as well. It became a nasty combination and culminated last summer with me lying in a fetal position on my bed as my wife begged to take me to the hospital. I refused, but promised to get help. I had already picked out the tree near my house to use as my escape from this world. I'm glad I didn't leave because I have more to do, and more to share. Group therapy, meds, and a lot of soul searching has brought me to the point I am at now; ready to rock and roll with my studies again, rewrite a book I published, publish my novel, and write another. It is as if a switch was turned on overnight, which is why I eluded to the ebb and flow of my life sometimes. For six months Ill shut down. No reading, writing, study. Nothing. Then as quickly as I stopped I crank back up and that is where I am right now. Much of it must do with the sun, moon, and stars and their cycles as well. That’s a topic for another time. I must go back, though, and explain those doorways which led to over two years of spiritual and emotional darkness. This is what I had contemplated sharing with my friends. I know a few of you think I am out there in left field and you're right. Politically and spiritually that's obvious from the pictures and music I post from time to time. That’s just a scratch on the surface really. It goes a bit deeper. Yet I have never wanted to be so blatant with my path and beliefs that I became a nuisance to everyone on social media, I've kept it to a minimum and I will continue to do that. Although there are times I want to share things, explain myself, express my deepest thoughts, or put others at ease. Sure, I know there are some who worry about me. There are some who think I worship the devil and I need to return to the safety of the cross. Don’t worry, I'm fine. There’s so much I could share but not here. And no, I don't think I am any better than anyone else for having made my own personal, spiritual discoveries. It isn't for everyone I agree. But just like a person who spent their entire life lost, a drug addict, an alcoholic, or just an asshole has his or her own testimony so do I. It’s a testament to how I found a way to free myself of fear, and the illusions of this mundane planet. So what door did I open? Well its funny. “Seek and ye shall find, knock and it shall be opened unto you”. No truer words have been spoken. At the end of 2013 and first part of 2014 I had entered a “zone” if you will. A place of super spiritual contemplation and confidence. Because of commitment and daily practice, I had begun to channel messages, pick symbols out of thin air, journal tons of notes, and begin writing my book. What had occurred to me happened over the course of several months, in separate meditations, providing clues that I later pieced together as a whole message. I was beyond flabbergasted to have received this information. For me it was personal, deep, and painful too. It was so intense I wrote a short article on the experience which a friend of mine, Edgar Kerval, published in small periodical called Qliphoth Opus. As a result, numerous people around the world read my story and I've made new friends. The occult community is a closely woven family of multiple and diverse paths, all interconnected and bound by foundational teachings and personal evolution. It runs deeper than you'll ever know. I had thought I’d just share the story on social media and post it. Then I remembered I have a blog-spot, I have tons of energy right now, and I need to write a bit more! So, I'm going to post the link here in this blog. For me it’s just one of the special moments in my spiritual path. Although it is directly tied to my deep depression. When I wrote the article, I had no idea how quickly I would spiral downward into darkness. Sure, go ahead and say, “well if you didn't dabble with dark things you shouldn't, then the devil wouldn't have made you so depressed”. I disagree. I never met the devil, Satan, his minions, or any other UEE’s (Unidentified Evil Entities :)). I found a missing part of myself. I found a place I'm certain I've been to before. I became depressed because I became homesick. Home is where the heart is, and I can’t tell you the depths of it. My wife can. So, in the next blog I'll detail the revelation and vision that sent me over the edge.